I like to feel Him near

I sit here wanting to write, but unsure of what to say. How do I put into words the feelings I have been experiencing lately. The assuredness I felt. I have struggled with my walk with the Lord all my love: I don't feel good enough to be in His presence, I've screwed up again so He probably doesnt want to hear it, my life isn't matching up to His desires I should just quit now.

All these negative thoughts racing through my mind that I know are from the enemy. The enemy. I hate him, whoever "him" is. Maybe for you it's money, or depression, greed or gossip. At some point in my life "the enemy" has been one or all of those things to me.

It's odd to me how when things are going wrong we want to blame God, and when things start to go right we want to take credit for it. Yet in reality, it's exactly the opposite (usually).

This year, I have made a promise to my Father to spend more time with Him. Not because it's a new year's resolution, but because of any relationship I have in my life, this One should be the one I care about the most.

I was reading this morning on an amazing devotional site Simply Crave about whether or not we are ready for Christ to return. Truthfully, no...I'm not. I would be devastated if He came back right this second, as I sit in my pink robe with my hair in shambled and my mind just racing through all the crap of life. Yet, I forget, He could. And what then? What would I have to say for myself lately? "Oh I'm sorry God, it's just been one of those times ya know?" No, He doesn't. Regardless of the "times" we are having, He wants us to come to Him all the time, not just some of the time.

I always catch myself praying when things are just horrible in my life and I feel I have no other option. Why is it I've made the Lord my last resort instead of my FIRST responder?? Why is it I forget to thank Him for the astounding blessings He has given me, even though I don't deserve them?

For the last two weeks I have made a doubly conscious effort to be present with Him more often than I have in the best. We have gone back to church. We didn't stop because we didn't want to attend church, we just found other "stuff" to do on Sunday mornings. Like sleep. But that isn't an excuse. I don't want to sleep through what God has to offer me.

For the last couple of weeks I have prayed, a lot. Growing up I was so afraid to pray, I didn't know how to talk to Him. I'd start out every prayer the same...eyes closed, hands folded.. "Dear God...I don't know what to do." I'd toss up this plea to Him, to help me, and then I'd end the conversation. "Ok thanks God, catcha later" kind of thing. And yet, I never understood why I waas hitting these dead ends in my life. For some reason though, the major issues I was coming to God for, He always helped me through them, even though I was flinging these tiny little spoonfuls of praise up to Him, he was still pouring His blessings on me. For what reason, I have no idea. Other than He loves me. Just as I love Jaxson.

So for the last two weeks I have felt His presence in a way I've not felt before. I talk with Him throughout the day. Not just at night, after all the crap from the day has happened and I need someone to listen to my problems. I thank Him in the morning for the amazing day ahead. I pray on the way to Jaxson's school that He will bless Jaxson's time there. We pray at lunch...I have been having a constant conversation with Him lately. I have to tell you, to know I have the creator of the universe on the line wth me all day is pretty amazing.

At night, when I physically sit down to talk to Him though, I feel this chill/goosebumpie sensation start at my ears and wrap around my body down through my arms. The feeling you get when your friend or boyfriend/girlfriend comes up behind you and wraps their arms around you in the biggest hug you've ever felt. I picture Him kneeling down beside me, giving me this big bear hug. I can FEEL it.

And I thank Him. I thank Him for listening, for protecting, for stearing me, for blessing me and my family. Though there are struggles in my life right now that I am trying so desperately to work through, those aren't the first things that come to mind when I talk to Him. It's "thank you" I just want to say it over and over.

I aspire to be the servant who remains cloaked even when the master is gone. (Luke 12: 42-48). So often I get side tracked with making my business grow, or working on this or that, I forget. I forget that God has promised to return here. It could be at 4:45 (right now), or December 12, 2012, or long after I'm dead. But I know if He were to come right this second, I'd have a lot of explaining to do. So...my goal for myself, and my hope for you is that while we will never be perfect, that our lives will be examples of Christ, that IF He were to return right this minute, He would welcme us with open arms for doing things that are pleasing to Him and for being believers in Him. I don't mean abandoning your jobs to help the homeless, though quite commendable. I just mean our hearts being open, being ready to go where God is calling. I don't know the direction He is taking me. But at the moment I know He is the one flying the plane. Where will your journey be?